Plus One

There are many reasons why I would like to be married. Two nights ago, as I was attempting to put up my artificial Christmas tree, I came up with one more: a second pair of hands and eyes to help put up the Christmas tree.

One of the three screws in the tree stand wouldn't turn and catch, causing the tree to stand lopsided. It wasn't a big deal when just the central pole was in, but the more branches I inserted and fluffed out, the more the tree began to look like some furry green version of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Here's a somewhat blurry photo that doesn't do the leaning justice, but you get the idea:

When I discovered just how severe the tilting was, I crawled under the tree to try to remedy the situation. That began about an hour of attempting to prop the tree up, tie it down, or generally coax it to stop tipping--all of which involved me strking all kinds of contortionist poses on the floor, with duct tape, scissors, and twine. And let's not forget the Christmas music spreading holiday cheer in the background.

At 9pm, I put on my shoes, grabbed my wallet, and trekked to Home Depot, where I found a replacement screw--two, actually, for the bargain price of $1.03 (with tax). Once home, however--and with pliers in hand to ensure the new screw complied with my wishes--all was still not well. Do you have any idea how hard it is to know whether your Christmas tree is standing up straight when you're lying on your stomach on the floor under the tree, trying to hold it steady with one hand in what looks like a straight-up, perpendicular-to-the-floor position, while using the other hand to adjust three different screws to get the exact tension to keep it in that position, all with no one else standing back, eyeballing your efforts and saying, "A little to the left!" or "It's tipping too close to the wall!"? You probably don't know what that's like, so let me tell you: It's very hard!

In the end, after adjusting the tree a couple of times (post-replacement screw), I got it to stand up in a stance that will pass for straight-enough and went to bed, cursing the tree under my breath. I believe the words "Good Will" and "January 1st" may have among the muttered epithets.

Here is a picture of the mostly-straight, albeit undecorated, tree.

As I said, there are many reasons why I hope that marriage is in my future. But two nights ago, what I wanted most was someone to help me put up the Christmas tree.