Tonight I had a perplexing experience. I was having dinner at Chipotle with a friend who's about my age and lives in a house with a few other guys. (He's a guy too, so it's ok.) He was talking about the high price of rent in this area and said that low rent was essential for him because he doesn't make a lot of money. Then he said, sort of off-handedly, "I'm not rich like you."
I didn't know how to react to his comment. It made me feel defensive, as if it were somehow shameful as a 30-something single person to be able to afford to live alone, in a home that I own, and have a set of dishes that all match and aren't from WalMart (topic of our earlier conversation). I felt that I had to justify my current situation by rambling on about how fortunate I'd been to have saved money living overseas with the government, blah, blah, blah. The truth is, I've been very lucky with my job and I've made good financial choices and I've always paid my tithing faithfully and been very blessed because of it. But I didn't say any of that at the time.
Last year sometime, I had a similar experience, this time while visiting some extended family in Utah. I was talking to my younger cousin and his wife. My cousin has never been to college, and I don't think his wife has been either, but they both have what appear to be good, stable jobs. I have no idea how much money they make or what they choose to spend it on or how they live, though I've never heard reports of them being on the verge of destitute, or anywhere close to it.
During said conversation, one of them commented on my brightly-colored striped flip-flops, which somehow led to me extolling the virtues of pedicures as no longer a luxury but a necessity. At which point my cousin said, in so many words, that his wife couldn't justify ever spending money on a pedicure, but I could afford to get pedicures because I was rich.
Excuse me? I'm rich because I can afford to spend $35 once a month on a pedicure? Do you know that I paid $40 for my TV, which I found on Craig's List? And that I have plain old rabbit ears on top of my TV because I don't have cable? My cousin's words felt like an accusation--and made me feel as if I had to defend my income and lifestyle, as well as point out all the ways in which I am not rich. (See above re: the TV.)
Tonight's comment by my friend made me wonder all over again why people feel the need to say such things. It also made me ask myself why remarks such as these make me so uncomfortable. When did "rich" become a dirty word?
Does our disdain for people who appear to live comfortably come from the hardy, practical, ascetic heritage of our pilgrim and pioneer ancestors, who made one pair of shoes last for three seasons and then boiled the leather to eat when the shoes could no longer be worn? If so, that's twisted, man! We work and work so hard so that we don't have to live like that, so that we can be comfortable and provide for our families and pay off our student loans and give to others--and then when we finally reach the point where we don't have to dig out change from between the sofa cushions just to go to Taco Bell, some punk tells us disdainfully and yet longingly that we are rich, and suddenly we feel as if the fruits of our success are somehow tainted.
Well I think that's just mental.
I'm still not exactly sure why these incidents bother me so much--if it's the warped reasoning described above, or if there's more to it--but I do think that I shouldn't have to justify or apologize for being able to own a home or get a pedicure once in awhile.
I lamented all this to my sister on the phone when I got home tonight, and she gave me the perfect response to use the next time I find myself "accused" of being rich: Rich is relative.
Thank you, Holly. If I am rich, it's because I have terrific people in my life like you.
4 comments:
I hear you, Marni! And Holly's absolutely right. Rich is relative. I suppose there are those who would believe that we are stinking rich, but they haven't seen the ghetto tv we use that we got for free and our basement which is accessorized by furniture that costs less than $50 total.
Careful... you're getting dangerously close to sounding like a republican! ;-)
I agree, though. Not only is wealth relative, it is not at all discernable by sight. My little sister's exboyfriend drove a brandnew suped (sp?) up Mazda rx8 with all the bells and whistles. People assumed he was a rich kid. What they didn't see is that he works at a gas station, lives with his aunt and uncle and eats ramen to keep up with his car payment.
Holly is right! Rich is relative. And just think how blessed you have been to have the blessings of relative financial security and how much of a blessing that has been for your family.
And since I am nowhere as nice as you, I probably would have pointed out that if you decide to have a $35 pedicure a month instead of cable tv, then it wasn't so much about rich as about priorities. I am sure he has his luxuries too, somewhere.
Yes, we have had this discussion before....I'm not sure why people feel the need to judge you based on the little things you allow yourself. Nonetheless, they do it. And I'm not sure who said it but...it's not something entirely discernible by sight. Yes, you allow yourself an occasional pedicure. So what?? These people have no idea that you have a student loan to pay off or what your mortgage payments are like. People stink sometimes and that's just a shame. Rich....isn't a dirty word...it's like every other word...it depends on the tone. And I'm sure these things were said in such a way that it offended you...hence the blog. FOOEY!
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